How To Help The Spendaholics You Love Stop Spending

Did a little voice just whisper: hey, that’s you?

We just finished paying down over $42,000 in debt and man oh man it feels amazing. I hope our story inspires you to achieve the same goal: freedom from debt. Two years ago, I was the girl reading stories like this thinking: “We’re screwed. This will never be us. We could never do that.”

Today, it is us.

Looking back on the last two years, I tried to come up with the things we did “right,” the magical money cures (not) and how we achieved success.

The truth is, getting out of debt is simple, but the process is really hard. It’s all about replacing bad habits with good. As an ex-smoker and ex-spendaholic, I know that this is really hard.

In many marriages, there is one person that loves to spend. Or, like Mr. Right and I, two moderate-spendaholics meet, marry and then enable wasteful spending. If he bought a new CD, then I deserved a new pair of shoes. If I bought a new work outfit, he went out for lunch.

It was a spend-spend relationship.

Here’s a tip: That mindset will ruin you.

To change that perspective, here are some good first steps:

Step 1: Call a meeting. If you are serious about becoming debt free, treat it that way. Get a babysitter, or set aside two hours after the kids go to bed to figure it out. Warning: Our budget meetings always involved fighting and accusations. “You’re always spending money so stupid!” That sort of thing. I’m not going to rosy-up the truth. Get ready to not like each other for a little bit. You’ll be ok. If you can have a meeting without fighting, that’s awesome. I’m just telling you how it went for us. I would recommend posting a list of off-limit words like: never, always, divorce and stupid.

Step 2: Before the meeting, come up with a list of money wishes. What do you want for the future? Ask your spouse to do that same. What do you wish your finances looked like? What is your goal?

Step 3: Learn how to present ideas without hating each other. Take these tips from a marriage seminar I attended and you’ll end up with a much more civil budget meeting.

“I would like _____” fill in the blanks with your money wish. It could be:

“I would like to set a cash limit on personal spending money.”

“I would like to cut cable from our expenses.”

“I would like to cancel our trip to Mexico until we are debt free.”

Then, state why:

“Because it would help us stop overspending.”

“Because we need to cut corners.”

“Because our finances are scaring me right now.”

Finally, state how it would make you feel if your partner complied:

“It would make me feel like we’re a team against debt.”

“It would make me feel better to have fewer monthly expenses.”

“It would make me feel less stressed.”

It sounds a little hokey, but it works. It calms the need for your partner to get defensive. It lets you be honest in a nice way, looking at the big picture. And it really helps you figure out what you want and why you want it in the first place. Work through all these wishes until you come up with a financial solution that feels right.

Step 4: Identify ways to avoid impulse spending. Some ideas:

• Set a cash limit on personal spending. I have a $30 spending budget per week, no questions asked, for whatever I want. Mr. Right has saved his cash to take scuba diving. I use mine for lunches at the coffee shop when I need to get some writing done. If there’s a girl’s night out, it comes out of my own spending money. If Mr. Right wants a new video game, he saves up for it on his own.
• Don’t go shopping. If this is your normal pass-time, come up with a list of healthy alternatives. Call a friend, do yoga, organize something, go for a walk, do some sit ups, prepare next week’s menu, cook something incredible, hang out with your kids, go to the library, download a film on Netflix (we swapped cable for Netflix and love it).
• Cut up or file all credit cards. Before slicing, call the number on the back to officially cancel the card.
• Leave the house with only cash. Put the debit card on the dresser.
• Create a list of things you want. Let them sit for a month. Then, go back and see if you still want them. In the meantime, you can be saving the necessary cash.

Step 5: Learn every expense. We used an excel spreadsheet to record our expenses – credit card payments, car, phones, mortgage, insurance, water, gas, electric. This gave us a picture of the income needed to cover basic living expenses.

Now, come up with a budget for variable expenses like:

- Eating out

- Groceries

- Spending money

- Clothing

- Haircuts

- Entertainment

- Vacations

- Gifts

Withdraw cash each paycheck for these expenses. If you are in more debt that your income can handle, you might have to start budgeting for entertainment, vacations and gifts down the road. Would taking a year off from buying gifts let you put $1,500 toward debt? Could you tell family and friends that you need to take a year off from Christmas and birthdays? This sounds extreme, but don’t close your mind. People will understand these decisions. They might even cheer you on. Let yourself get really creative when it comes to cutting expenses.

Let yourself take a giant step toward freedom.

Photo by Orin Zebest