My story about trying to do it all isn’t glamorous.

In fact, it’s so personal, I almost didn’t share it.

Last year in October, I started this blog. It was one of the most exciting times of my life. I was finally starting to figure out what I wanted in life and taking action to make it happen. How many years had gone by in the same old routine? Too many.

I was, it seemed, doing it all. Unfortunately, my body didn’t approve. Starting a blog while I juggled the demands of a family and full-time job took a toll on my sanity. My body literally recoiled at what my life had become. The signs started gradually – a sleepless night here, a trembling hand there. Then one night I woke up, barely able to breathe. I was scared, but the feeling passed.

A few days later, I had another episode at my day job. I decided to head to the doctor on my lunch break, which was scary. I have this thing about not wanting to know bad news. I wanted to pretend I was fine … just a little breathing problem.

The doctor who examined me was an older man, balding but wise. I peered at his face with intensity, looking for signals. Was I dying? Would I be added to a heart donor list?

He removed his wire glasses, folded them and gave me a kind smile. ”About twice a week, I get perfectly healthy young women in here that think they’re having a heart attack,” he said. He went on to say I was experiencing panic attacks. Long story short, I was going to be okay.

Okay as in “not terminally ill.” The breathing problems in the middle of the night – definitely not okay by me. Something had to change.

I went through a lot of sleepless nights to find out that sometimes, it’s impossible to keep up. It’s impossible to keep doing what you’re doing.  Even when you’re between a rock and a hard place, start questioning yourself anyway. Do it before your body recoils at the things you do.

Don’t let perfection become a burden you choose to bear.

Are you doing things that make you happy and fulfilled? If you aren’t sure, that’s probably your answer.

The idea that we aren’t perfect isn’t new. But realizing that wasn’t the problem. I had to find ways to create space and let my mind renew. Somehow, I had to find a way to breathe calmly again.

Here’s what I did:

Step one: Define what’s truly important to you.

Here are some things on my list. Maybe they’re important to you, too, or maybe not. Your list should be your own, I can’t write it for you.

• Spending time with family. This includes family dinners, holidays, sporting events, vacations and one-on-one time with Mr. Right and the kids.
• Spending time alone. I need time for Melissa, too.
• Writing and blogging. I just started a novel and made a commitment to fit this new project into my life.
• Keeping a clean, organized home. I can’t think straight surrounded by clutter and crumbs.
• Eating healthy food. A fruit or veggie with every meal, salad for lunch and things made from scratch.
• Staying within a budget. This is crucial since we became a one-income family.
• Exercise. My goal is to workout 5 days a week. I’m at peace when I make this a daily routine.
• Having time to enjoy life, smile and go slowly. If anything from the list above interferes with this mindset, I’ll take a serious look at how we can switch things up or compromise.

The next step is to stop doing things that don’t make the list.

For example, here are some things that a lot of people do that just aren’t that important to me. So, I stopped doing them. Please note that none of these things are bad. I just won’t feel guilty when I don’t:

Decorate the front porch with gorgeous flower pots in the spring and mums in the fall. Besides a table and chairs, my porch is bare, and I still get a lovely view of the neighborhood flowers, which is enough for me.

Send out birthday cards. I’m not very good with cards. I’d rather call or visit someone and spend some time talking than send out a (usually late) card. Now I only send cards to young family members.

Cram our schedule too full. Sometimes I wait to schedule a dinner because I want to make sure we aren’t too overwhelmed after a vacation or busy week. Then I schedule it when I know we’ll have plenty of free time to take care of things on my most important list, first.

Paint my nails. I still like the occasional pedicure, but my fingernails are kept trimmed and natural.

Personally keep up with the trends. I’m much more mindful of what I buy now that we’re on a budget. I still enjoy seeing the trends and beautiful clothes, but I don’t feel burdened to keep up with them anymore.

Constantly upsize. I don’t need a bigger house, yard or car. There used to be a time I focused a lot of my attention on just that. I had to work full-time and lost track of my personal goals. Now I’ve learned to want what I already have, and I’m much happier.

Keep a perfectly manicured yard. We keep up with our yard, yes, but not to the level of a lot of people. If letting the lawn grow allows me to do the things on my first list, then I let it.

I could go on, but you get the idea.

I’ve changed a lot of things since that lunch hour visit to the doctor. Some steps were small, but some were really big, like quitting my day job. This post isn’t telling you to put in your two-week notice. Or maybe, for you, that will be the answer. It might not be today or tomorrow, but you know someday down the line, you’ve got to breathe easy again.

I’ve been a freelancer for six weeks now.

I haven’t had a panic attack since.

Tonight, the simple act of breathing, slow and soft, brings me joy.

If my writing helps or inspires you, please share it with other people. Thank you. Melissa

Photo by Sol S.